I feel caught or stuck in this stage of my life... or rather stuck in something that I should have figured out years ago. I have seen a therapist for about 3 to 4 years inconsistently and you think that I'd have things figured out by now, right? Well, that's if I had been honest about what was going on in my head, what I was feeling... For some reason I have figured out what I need, aside from a good swift kick in the ass, and that is I need to learn how to forgive myself, how to let go, and how to let myself feel emotion instead of blocking it out all the time. I don't feel. . . I don't ever feel human, feel alive. . . just numb monotony, sadness, and frustration. . . I feel it weighing on my chest, collapsing in my throat, just wanting to get out and I can't ever say these words aloud. Why I can't say these words aloud, I don't know, but I think it's fear. What do I have to fear by saying what I'm really feeling? Then on the other hand, I feel like maybe I'm just a fake. Like all I really want is just some kind of attention, to feel wanted, to feel like I'm worth something other than just a person that's kept around to do someone else's dirty work. . . Why am I so afraid to just say what I need to, why am I so afraid to just let someone in, WHY, WHY am I so afraid to just say the words that will help me move past this trap I've caught myself in and never have really gotten out of?